Thoughts on... acceptance

I have recently been on a journey of self-discovery. Not intentionally. I learnt a lot more about myself; flaws that I would love to be rid of, faults that I am ashamed I possess and failings that I try so hard to deny. I also learnt a lot of lessons. However, the biggest takeaway from this journey?

ACCEPTANCE.

I’ve learnt that the first step to changing yourself is to accept your flaws. Which, to be honest, is definitely easier said than done. Yes, you say that you’re flawed in such-and-such a manner and you know all that, but it’s you, you can’t change it. I’ve done that a million times. I’ve been accused of being selfish and not sharing my toys/possessions with my siblings. Yes, but that’s because I’ve worked so damn hard to get these toys for myself. They come from my sweat and tears and I’m not going to allow my siblings to ruin them for me. If they are to be ruined, it has to be ruined by my own hands. But is my reasoning a form of acceptance? No. I still don’t share. It simply justifies that flaw, which doesn’t institute change. It signals that I don’t want to change, which is why I am justifying it.

Now, I don’t mean to say to accept anything that others accuse you of. No. You only accept traits that you think are true of you. That means you have to go through a period of introspection and self-reflectivity. It is not an easy process. After I’ve discovered my new flaws and failings, I have a hard time admitting them to myself and coming to terms with them. It makes you realise that you’re even more imperfect, and that you are, after all, only human. It comes as no surprise that most of us only see the self(s) that we project to the world. That is, we only see the image of ourselves that we wished others to see, the idealistic human with all the idealistic qualities that we liked to think we have (and by the same measure, the qualities that we think others would like us to have). Some of the faults I learnt are contradictory to what I believe, which made it even harder for me to accept them.

One of these is the idea of perfectionism. I have never considered myself a perfectionist, but over the years, I have come to realize that I do seek perfection in certain things or people. I have never pursued or strived for perfection in everything I do, but I do expect that in things or people that I really care about. If I don’t get to the level of perfection I desire, I always give up. For example, many years ago I learnt to play the guitar. I first picked it up as an activity that is fun to do, then maybe convert it into a hobby. The problem is, I picked it up really quickly and got quite good at playing the basic chords, which boosted my confidence. That is my hubris. Then it came to the more complicated chords that require lots of practice to build up strength in your fingers, which I totally failed to master and I eventually gave up playing. There are two reasons why. Firstly, it frustrates me that I have to keep practising at something that I seemed to be adept at. It slowed my progress down.  I wanted to go faster and learn more, but I tried to fly even before I could run. Secondly, because my progress has reached a snag which I couldn’t solve (simply because I stubbornly didn’t want to practice), I lost interest. Also, I know that I will never be as good, or reach that level of perfection, so why go on? I always believed in not wasting time doing something that I couldn’t do perfectly because it is not worth my time or effort. Note that this doesn’t apply to work though. My work ethics are based on a different scale.

This ‘pursuit’ of perfection also applies to people who I hold dear to me. But I won’t delve into this on a public space.

So, what I’ve worked out is that I should learn to forgo the notion of perfection and to do the utmost best that I can in whatever that I am doing. Nothing and no one is perfect. I am not perfect, so why should I expect perfection of others? I am not perfect, so why should I expect perfection from myself? I accepted the idea that I am not perfect, and thus, slowly began to go easy on what matters to me. I’m slowly letting go of my insane need to control (so as to achieve perfection). I’ve also accepted the fact that things will not go my way most of the time and am now trying to be more flexible.

It feels good, this acceptance. Once you stop fighting the truth of your flaws and failings, and accepted them as part of you, you feel a sort of inner peace. You are also clearer, no longer shrouded in denial, and that is when you can begin to change. I’m sure this sounds pretty new-age-y and Zen-ish but I hope you get what I mean.

In lay terms, the path to change starts with acceptance.