Thoughts on... changes

I know, I know. I KNOW. Faulkner’s quote has nothing to do with changes you say.

When you think of changes, do you perhaps imagine retrenchment, a debilitating illness, or someone close passing away? These unfortunate occurrences will initiate change right? In fact, these incidents force change. In the face of life’s hurdles, try hard as you might, you cannot resist changes. It is a given.

However, the quote here relates to a different sort of change: change that is intrinsically motivated, change that you initiate, change that you want to make happen. Already, not many can cope with changes forced upon them, much less change that is self-initiated. Why? From this perspective, it seems that change initiated by yourself is a safe bet, a definite win, a shoo-in for success isn’t it? You have time to plan for it, you can make a backup plan, you can prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Yet, it is a terrifying realm that not many dare to venture in. Many don’t even want to think about it. Myself included.

Picture this. You’re in a comfortable job. You are comfortable with that job. You know everyone there is to know in your company. You work well with majority of them (working well with all is an impossibility) and most times when you encounter a problem, you just pick up the phone and settle them, all in ten seconds. You know your job so well you can do it with eyes closed.  All in all, you have been there for most of your 20s and drawing an okay salary. Now you’re nearing your 30s. Suddenly, you developed a nagging twinge in your soul. You feel stifled. You feel trapped. You feel immobile. Little by little your dreams, your daydreams, your aspirations surface. You know that they are not forgotten, just pushed aside, smothered and buried under the day-to-day business of living. Panic sets in. What are you going to do? You want to change but it scares you too much to even lift a finger. Ultimately, the one thing you are really afraid of is failure.

If you have felt this way, then you are experiencing what I am personally going through right now. I wouldn’t go as far to say that I’m going through hell, but it is definitely not pleasant and not at all enjoyable. It is unsettling. Day by day the nagging grows. It is going to get butt-clenching uncomfortable. It is an internal battle to fly or stay. So far, I have worked out two solutions to my dilemma: either change or accept. Obviously, as with so many blog posts, articles, self-help books, hipster quotes on Instagram, the former solution is the only way to go.  But can you really do it?

(It turns out that this blog post is more of a way for me to work out my internal dilemma)

Disclaimer: In no way am I prescribing or suggesting a solution to your problems. Everyone is different and really, this 1535-word (disclaimer included) post carries no guarantees that it resolves any problems at all (my problems included).

Embarking on a journey of change is not easy (unlike 123 and ABC) and it is bloody terrifying. The only reason why I’m still sitting in that uncomfortable black office chair from 9-5 every single day is because I’m scared. I peed in my pants just thinking about losing a stable income and having to explain to those at home why I’m doing it. All for the sake of pursuing my dream, which has no guarantee of a high payback or any foreseeable advantages in the near future. It has failure and suffering written all over it and I’m a bloody wuss. Most importantly, I don’t want to lose my income, my single source of money for a good six years of my adult life. You have to understand that just the idea of me losing my financial stability causes undue anxiety and heart palpitations. This income has supported me through my part-time studies, my yearly travels (an annual indulgence), my hedonistic pleasures (monthly indulgences) and my unhealthy online shopping addiction. It has provided me with so many memories, paved the way to explore new horizons and garnered me many tubes of lipsticks and bottles of nail polish. It pains me to let my income go. What if I never get the amount I am used to? What if I never ever regain financial stability?

Also, the thought of having to integrate into a new company, form bonds with new colleagues, figure out the quirks of the boss and adapt to unfamiliar surroundings imbues a sort of weariness in me. Oh, the doubts, the insecurities, the worries, the anxieties all overwhelm me. And I HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED YET (remember I’m still planted on that black office chair). By now you can tell just what a paranoid scare-dy cat I am. Don’t even get me started on the interview process. I HATE THAT. If there is anything that prevents me from getting off my ass, it is my all-consuming dislike for the interviewing process.  I find it pointless and unbearably pretentious. To be really honest, I find the whole endeavor of ‘working’ pretentious and hollow. We should just all scrap that idea and return to… barter trading?

So besides the fear of losing a stable income and the interviewing process, what else is hindering me? Well, plenty. But one other major bugbear is failure. What if I fail at my dream? What if I fail to find another job? What if I fail to even get any interviews (a necessity as much as I loathe it)? What if I fail at everything and turned into a freeloading useless bum? Firstly, I have to face the wrath of my dad. He’ll kill me for sure. Then I have to face myself. Failure just shows that I’m not cut out for my dream, that I am not as good or as passionate as I thought I am. Failure proves that I’m stupid and that is crushing. Income and interviews are just hindrances that could be tackled but the fear of failure holds me back more than anything else. Why would I trade my currently comfortable, but sadly stifled, life with opportunities of failing? It is suicidal. It is leaping sans harness and safety net.

Amidst all these complaining and whining, it seems that I have forgotten one thing. Self-initiated change is risky, yes, but it allows you to plan. Start the change step-by-step, one thing at a time. You are making tiny changes slowly, not plunging directly into it which would shock your system into shutdown. Chances are that you will feel less overwhelm and can manage your emotions better. Also, discuss your plans with someone that you trust, whom you know will give you support and is not judgmental. The last requirement is really important. You cannot have someone judging you even before you start! Have that trustable non-judgmental someone look over your plan and see what could be done better. However, it must be noted that as with all planning, things never goes the way as it is planned. Expect that. Be prepared for changes to the plan. Be prepared to get completely derailed. Be open-minded enough to jump onto a new path should it come to that. In all eventualities, just be prepared.

So… here you are, plan in hand, willing to do the risky (albeit step-by-step), open-minded and prepared to expect the unpredictability of life. You have your goal in mind, and you take the first step forward.

AND THEN YOU DIE.

What now?

Like I said, life is unpredictable and seriously, you may start out with one dream but end up with another. Unpredictability is part of life. So are contradictions and illogicalities. I’m going to contradict myself and say that one could never be too prepared. Be prepared, yes, but at the same time, eradicate all expectations. Do not expect anything. It is dangerous to expect. Don’t keep thinking about the goal, your dream, your motivation for changing. Keep it in mind but don’t fixate on it. Revel in the unexpected. Enjoy the journey. Enjoy life.

That is where the quote comes in. Change or no change, as long as you’re smiling, as long as you’re taking pleasure in everything that you do, you have succeeded. You’re a winner.

I’m not discouraging you from changing, but you must enjoy the process. Whether you end up succeeding in your dream or not it doesn’t matter. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Even if you fail, fail with a spectacular million-dollar smile. No one will fault you. No one will blame you. In turn, you will not blame anyone. You will not blame chance, luck or fate.  Those are irrelevant, because if you truly enjoyed the process, you will not feel the sear of failure so palpably. It will probably just be a little blip on your radar, nothing more. Then you will set off looking for other dreams, other goals to pursue, excited to relive that enjoyable process.

So, go make your change. Or don’t.

Just remember this.

HAVE FUN

(as ordered by Faulkner).