Departures

For the past month I have been out of office for quite some time. No, forget about the office. I've been taking a forced hiatus from life, confronting the deaths of both my grandfathers (maternal, paternal). It is very surreal. Like they said, truth is stranger than fiction, and the unrealistic and ridiculous are real life.

I've come to realise that wakes are designed to distract and bore you (probably) from receiving the full impact of the loss. You sit there day-after-day, repeating the same actions, doing the same brain numbing thing, and though greeting different faces every hour or so, doing the same entertaining. In your exhausted state (mentally, physically) you forget (momentarily) the loss (and the grief that accompanies it). Everyone remains dry-eyed during the wakes.

The day of the cremation (maternal) and burial (paternal) are the worst. The change in the routine reeks of finality, provoking a fresh flood of emotions that were surreptitiously mounting since you last wept (accompanied with fresh crying and renewed sadness and pain). Coupled with the exhaustion from the past few days and dare I say it, the most agonizing boredom ever, your emotions are back with a vengeance, regurgitated stronger and louder. You choke, you turn blind and you could hardly stand to breathe. At that moment, all I want to do is to be alone, to do all my crying and grieving alone.

However, as always, silver linings, I've come to realised that the larger your family and extended family, the lesser the pain and exhaustion. There are more hands to chip in with the manual labour. More hands make light work yes? Not only that, but sharing the sadness with more people makes everything easier. The grief spreads. Seeing others weep along with you lessens the pain. I cannot imagine going through both funerals with a smaller family (and extended family) than what I am blessed with now. Makes me wonder what will happen when my turn comes since I am destined for a life alone.

It's funny how you're actually quite busy during the wake. Also, funny how wakes are bustling and not the scene of controlled grieving, covert sniffling and imposed serenity that I imagined it to be. Yes, you are stony-faced and silent but your hands and legs are working. Your brain however, is numb. You do what is expected and try not to think too much. You sit together with your extended families and chat among yourselves, recalling memories of days past, listening to juicy tales about your parents (or uncles or aunts) that you never knew.

In a (mightily) short span of 13 days, I have the privilege of witnessing (and being involved in) both a Christian (maternal) and Buddhist (with a sprinkle of Taoist – paternal) wake, and both cremation (maternal) and burial (paternal), in two totally different locations (countries to be exact); one in Singapore, a city-state, and one in Malaysia, in a smallish countryside town (a somewhat modernised kampong). Very different locations, very different practices, very different people. I’m not going to elaborate further.

Going through two deaths in such a short time have left me utterly drained and completely exhausted (do they mean the same?). The lack of proper rest, the lack of proper meals, and the lack of normalcy. Not leaving out the grieving as well. There you have it, a depressing combo that is bound to get even the happiest Bhutanese down. But of course we are allowed to grieve and be sad and to mope about once in a while. It can only be good for us.

I am terribly glad to be back at work this week. To regain some semblance of what is normal. To regain control. Yanked out of life abruptly have left me lost and unaccustomed. So now it is back to what I am familiar with and knows best. Of course, it is not without some interior adjustments. You don’t confront death without thinking about the flipside – life. I have a fresh perspective on what is important and what is not. I know now to savour every moment because the lights go off at any moment (not that I savour time spent at work). Nonetheless, I’m not back recharged or reenergised. I am wearier and still uncomforted.

But as they say, time will heal all things and that is one cliché that I (have to) trust in. Time needed to readjust and get back into the groove of things.

Although I am not any clearer on where my life is heading to just yet, at least I now know how I want to be remembered/celebrated in the end. A small dignified wake (one day will do), no fuss and frills, with my family and loved ones and the closest of friends. I want to be returned to the earth, to be turned into maggots and worms and dissolved, that is, if space constraint isn’t an issue.