Breaking up

I've made the decision. 

I didn't announce it to anyone, I didn't discuss or consult anyone. It's something that has been on my mind for quite some time, but I never quite had the guts to do it. 

Then one day in September 2020, after I posted my artwork (of a Bible verse) on Instagram and Facebook, I just decided that it would be my last post. 

I'm breaking up with social media. 

There was no fanfare, and again I didn't tell anyone that it was my last post. I didn't feel the need to tell anyone that decision. I guess I'm afraid of the explaining that I will have to do. 

During the pandemic, social media was one of the ways we connected with each other. While social media has given me ideas on what I can do while cooped up at home, it has also given me anxiety. It was a subtle sort of anxiety that you didn't know you had until there came a time when you realised that you have been scrolling through Instagram for the past two hours and your shoulders and hands are cramping. Your jaw is tensed and an unhappy fog has settled upon you. Then you go about the rest of the day asking yourself why you don't have as many plants; or why the theme to your house is messy and slob, not minimalist or Scandi; or why can't you cook/bake/make dalgona coffee; or why you're in PJs while others are lounging about in athleisure, their bare midriffs emphasises abs, good health, and youth. 

That was my experience with social media during the pandemic. It delighted me to look at pretty things and I laughed at funny Insta stories, but in the end, I felt inferior and wondered why my life didn't turn out differently. 

I was in the comparison trap. I was riddled with envy after every social media session. It was unhealthy and getting even more so when I started being unhappy with where I am in life and what I had achieved. Simply put, I was unhappy being me. 

ME. The person that God calls His own. The person that Christ died on the cross to save. The person that the Holy Spirit lives in. 

Eventually, enough was enough. There was no particular breaking point, but a slow and steady culmination of determination and mental preparation to wean off social media. I was intentional and I greatly desired to stay off social media. Although I tried hard to not envy and compare, I'm unconsciously doing it. 

The time has come.

I didn't cut myself off entirely at the start. I just decided not to post anymore. When you are not posting anything, it is one less motivation to click the app open. However, when I have nothing to keep my occupied, my hands automatically reached for my phone and the app. I had to consciously stop myself, and then find something else to do.

I cannot tell you exactly how the break-up went, but I was so tired and done with feeling lousy that it wasn't that difficult a journey. There was no crying over it, no withdrawals, no FOMO-ing over what my friends were doing. I felt relieved.  

When I broke up with social media, I suddenly had more pockets of free time. I realised how much time I wasted on social media! I filled these empty pockets of time with reading, crochet, and Netflix (another bad habit that I should work on). I actually feel more productive and lighter in mood when I'm off social media. 

The funny thing was when I told two of my friends that I'm off social media, both of them asked me the same question: what do you do with your time then? Frankly, I was shocked. Is that what social media is now? Has it become so integral to life that without it people are actually puzzled? 

As the break-up happened before I bought my house, I briefly thought of doing a post to announce that I have moved into my own place. But what was the point? Am I trying to show off to everyone that I 'made it' and am 'adulting' now? Does owning a house make me a full-fledged 'adult'? Wasn't I an adult before? And is it possible that some part of me wants others to envy me, to see me living in my own #inspo house? Do I want to gather 'likes' and comments? It is meaningless. I am simply chasing after temporal highs. So I dropped the idea. 

Now it has been a year and two months since the breakup, and I can safely say that I don't miss social media. Not one bit. 

Now the next thing that I'm considering breaking up with is - 

ONLINE SHOPPING. 

This will take more willpower and convincing. Good luck to me!