Thoughts on... fear

I stared at the computer screen, debating back and forth in my mind to apply or to leave it for some other time. It was for a job, my dream job actually (before I become a full-fledged writer).

I was doing a mini job hunt when I saw the opening flash across the screen. The position I always wanted for the company (the only company I should say) in this small country that owns all the popular titles. After glancing through the requirements, which I am mostly applicable for, except for relevant working experience, I decided to submit my resume...

... only to be met by a huge wall of fear with a tyrannical devil manning a semi-automatic machine gun firing a barrage of self-doubt my way. My resolve crumbled like cheap cardboard in torrential rain and I closed the browser; a sense of disappointment within that was so strong that I stopped my job hunt (for about a week).

That is me.

I fear. Terribly. I am terribly fearful of things that can effect a huge change in my zones of comfort. Do not misunderstand. I am not afraid to try new things that I have never tried before (after large amounts of research), but when it comes to my zones of comfort, I resist change as much as possible. It is a natural reaction. These comfort zones did not just land on my lap and I immediately got comfortable in them. I have to put in insurmountable efforts over long periods of time to make them comfortable, to make them mine, to put my stamp on it so that I can settle down nicely. But when something outside my control happens, which affects my comfort zones, which in turn causes change, I begin to panic and fear.

Now, I am positive that everyone knows that fear and panic make excellent bedfellows, if you want to fail or put an end to your life. Since time immemorial, swimming instructors have always informed their students not to let panic takeover when faced with a life-or-death situation. Fear all you want, but keep panic in check. Once you succumbed to panic, chances are that your thirsty nostrils will start drinking copious amount of water leading to a very watery death.

That is what happened to my short-lived job hunt. I feared when faced with the wall of fear. When I got shot by bullets of self-doubt, I panicked and that led to job hunt death. 

I will attempt to illustrate the concurrent thought processes that I had before job-hunt death: 

• I fear not being short listed > not getting my dream job
• I fear that if I am short listed, I will fail the interview miserably > not getting my dream job
• I fear that if I do get the job I will suck at it and get fired > I fear that once I am sacked I will develop a hatred for writing > I fear that I will be direction-less in life without my aim to write > I fear that life will lose its meaning for me.
• I fear that if I do get the job I will be terribly good at it only to discover that I do not enjoy it as much as I thought I would > I fear that my love for writing will be tainted by my dislike of the job > I fear that I will be direction-less in life without my aim to write > I fear that life will lose its meaning for me. 

Another reason why I fear. Fear comes easily to me. It is my most natural reaction. Anything incomprehensible that happens to me turns on the fear. Even when there is really no reason to fear, it still is there. It is the reaction that comes most easily to me. It is my number one emotion.

• Heard a noise in the empty toilet cubicle beside me, fear. (Fear of the otherworldly/supernatural)
• Heard my father speaking at a slightly louder volume, fear. (Fear of paternal wrath; there are very good reasons to fear said authority in my household)
• Somebody fell down in front of me, fear. (Fear of deciding to laugh or to help)
• When it is my turn to place my food order but I have not decided on what to eat yet, fear. (Fear of being rushed and wasting other people's time)
• When people read my blog and do not comment, fear. (Irrational fear)
• When people read my blog and do comment, fear. (Another irrational fear)
• When people does read my blog, fear. (Another another irrational fear)
• Sudden loud sounds, fear. (Fear of loud noises: ligyrophobia)
• Bursting balloons, fear. (Ligryophobia)
• Loud thunderous thunders, fear. (Fear of loud noises: brontophobia)
• Loud farting sounds, fear. (The people's Fear)

There are many more things that I fear, but I shall not list them down for fear of being called a chicken. 

You may have noticed that my fear stem from a few 'roots'; judgment, scolding, dilemmas and loud noises. Those 'phobia' words in the lists, I believe (not medically certified) I have a mild form of those. The rest are mainly irrational fearing. And I do a lot of irrational fearing. So when fear comes that easily to me, it is only logical that I crash and burn every single time I decide to make a change, which only makes me fear more and prevents me from making changes. So thank goodness I have friends with nerves of steel who has never heard of the word "panic" before. Or else I would never have made it in this cold, dark, farcical and loud world. 

Therefore, fear and imminent panic prematurely ended my job hunt. Luckily for the dogged persistence of internal mailers, that same job position was sent to my inbox twice more. The second time I saw it, there were faint stirrings of the fear, which I allowed to grow, until panic took over once more and I deleted the email. The third time I saw the same job opening in my inbox, I knew that fate wants me to apply, despite the fear and insecurities nagging at me like a mean old grandma. So I sent in my resume and cover letter and forcefully clicked the 'Submit' button. I still fear, of course, that will never change, but at least I held it down long enough to submit my application. 

Now if only I can hold down fear long enough to change my comfortable status of being 'single'

(OH GOD! I can't believe I just announced I am single on my blog. *PANIC*)